Oprah, Pedophiles, and You
by TheAnnoyingVoice
Summary: Join Axel as he tells anyone who will listen about watching Oprah and the consequences of actually listening to her advice.


**Disclaimer:**I do not own Kingdom Hearts, and I am not making any profit from writing this story.

**Author's Note:** This was heavily inspired by a video on Youtube called **Axel as Dane Cook - Oprah** by **Ryuchan20. **I also have my amazing beta **Kunoichi21 **to thank for it as well due to our extremely demented MSN conversations. Not to mention, major thanks to her for looking over this and convincing me to stick that one piece of writing in after all. :D I also want to say that this was originally meant to be a drabble. I...uh...I don't think I can actually write anything anywhere near a drabble when I get going on an idea. Also this is my first attempt in over ten years writing in first person point of view, so yeah...I might be a little rusty.

**Warnings: **Ooohhooo...where do I start? Let's see...obviously the title should give you some idea what's happening. However... there is major usage of all kinds of swear words, implied pedophilia, adult humor, and other stuff I can't really think of. Either way, you've been warned for the majority of it. You read on from here, it's your funeral.

Are you reading this? Yeah? 'Cause if you are, this is the last warning. You're going beyond enemy gates here. There's no return. What you read here, cannot be unread. Understood? Good. Continue. ^^

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><p>I'm sure everyone out there has had at least one weird or frightening experience sometime in their life, right? The lights go out during a storm and you're scared shitless. No big deal. We've all been there. You accidentally burn down your house. Don't worry, you're not alone. Oh and we can't forget the first time you fall in love. You just can't help but think, "Why the <em>hell <em>did I do that?" But you know that stuff isn't serious shit. You know what's serious shit? Almost getting raped by a group of rapists and pedophiles that live in the same apartment building as you and get together every Wednesday night so they can plan their next attack. Now that, my friends, is some serious shit happening right there. Don't even tell me it isn't, because you have no idea how fucking scary it is until it happens to you.

Don't believe me? Ok fine. I'll just have to tell you about the day I watched Oprah. That was the day that changed my whole entire life. Ha, scratch that. The day the 'rents left my happy feely uncle Vexen to babysit me… that was a weird and frightening experience. I'm not going to go into the messy details, but the strongest memory I have of that day, involves a games closest. You can image how weird it is to be trapped in a games closet with your creepy pedophile of an uncle while he's doing his thing. You just lay there and stare up at the row of games you have stored on the shelf and they sort of loom over you ominously, mocking you with their fucking little names like Sorry, or Risk, oh and let's not forget my favorite—fucking Candy Land!

Candy Land. Can't get any more mocked than that. In a locked closet with a pedo uncle. Yep. I've experienced it all.

So, moving onward in time…past the days of Uncle Diddles…and back to the present to when I saw that one particular show on Oprah. I'll be throwing in a little dialogue here and there to make things interesting.

Alright, just to paint a picture in all your little minds, I'm sitting on the couch with a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and my boyfriend Roxas sitting next to me, this is gonna get hilarious in a second kiddos. Remember Roxas. He's a key point to this whole story I'm telling.

So we're sitting on the couch, I'm eating my Cocoa Puffs and Roxy's all nuzzled up against me with his head on my shoulder, like some chick getting close to the dude during one of those really sappy romance movies. It's almost pathetic. But since it's Roxas and he'll usually deny me any sort of affection, I take advantage of it whenever I can.

Right, so we're doing the whole gay man cuddle with me munching happily on my Cocoa Puffs, when Oprah comes on. I've always loved watching Oprah, because of all the cool stories and the awesome people she interviews. That shit's cool. And what's cooler is when she'll come on stage in some dramatic way, like riding on skateboard, or body surfing, or you know, Oprah stuff. Only Oprah can pull off Oprah stuff and be cool. Anyone else, it'd be stupid.

But what's even cooler than her entrance is the shit she gives away. She'll come in on her skateboard, or her elephant or whatever, and say shit like, "EVERYONE GETS A SCHOOL! EVERYONE GETS A SCHOOL WITH A SCHOOL DISTRICT AND A FULL FALCULTY! EVERYONE GETS A SCHOOOOL!"

And that's what makes her so fucking cool. The particular episode me and Roxy happened to be watching, everyone in the audience got tickets for a cruise in the Bahamas or some shit like that. Seriously, who freely gives stuff like that away without even batting a fucking eyelash? Let's look at Bill Clinton for a second. You know the dude who had the whole affair with that Monica chick. When was the last time he made an announcement like, "My fellow Americans, in light of the recent accusations of me having sexual relations with that woman…I hereby declare everyone in the world gets their own mansion complete with a pool and a backyard swing set. That is all."

See? Now that would be fucking cool. Oprah should be the next president some day. She's already doing a bunch of awesome shit for the world as it is!

I digress.

So this episode, we were pumped for it. I was getting all excited and wondering what celebrity she'd be interviewing or what topic she'd talk about this time, while Roxy was watching with this whole wide-eyed fascinated little kid look he'd get on his face whenever the show came on. It was like for a whole hour his soul was sucked out of his body and into the colorful talking box with the pretty moving pictures. Seriously, the kid loves Oprah. He fucking idolizes her. I bet if he wasn't gay he'd ask for her hand in marriage and then they'd get married in a zoo, riding on a lion or something. And then for the honeymoon, they'd go to some place extravagant like the jungles of Peru and save all the endangered animals that dwell there.

I almost feel threatened.

Anyways, it turned out this episode of Oprah wasn't going to be all the sunshine and rainbows that we expected it to be. No. This episode was that episode where it's all dark and Oprah makes her way on stage without all the dramatic stuff, and this one spotlight finds her. And she spoke this one word.

"Pedophiles."

Yeah, so uh…given the fact that Roxas is fifteen and I'm you know…twenty-one, I can't help but tense and sort of glance down at him. He's still cuddled up to me, but I can tell he's affected by the topic too. He sort of goes all stiff and swallows a little. Next he does is glances up at me and I can tell he's thinking exactly what I am. This episode might as well be my autobiography. It's funny you know, sitting there next to a boy you're dating who's at least six years younger than you are. And then this well respected woman with her awesome show comes on and has to bring up the subject of fucking pedophiles.

Seriously, what the fuck? First the mocking Candy Land and now one of the world's biggest celebrity icons has to ruin what was a pretty nice moment me and Roxy had going on. And let me just explain why.

"Pedophiles. You could be a pedophile."

Yeah, as if I didn't know that already, but I tried not to look at my relationship with Roxas like that. Sure, he was a kid, but…he was a mature kid. A really…breathtakingly, teasingly, fucking sexy little minx, that kind of mature. Roxas knew things no one at that age should. And let's just clear something up first. The kid came on to me, alright? I may have felt…a slight attraction toward him, and uh…had a small problem with staring that could easily been mistaken for leering like a creepy child pedo…or my Uncle Vexen. But let's face it. I had no intentions of doing anything to him. He made the moves.

And yet, here he sat next to me, getting tenser and tenser with each word that came out of Oprah's mouth.

"You probably are a pedophile."

At that point I sort of hear this little intake of breath coming from him and I just know something horrible is going to come out of watching this episode. All I can think of at that point is, "oh shit. I'm a pedophile. Roxas is just realizing this. What the fuck am I going to do?"

Even my thoughts had been corrupted by the whole pedophile thing because I normally never, you know, thought about it that way. Roxas was fine with it. I was fine with it. We loved each other. But I was getting this feeling Roxas doesn't quite feel the same way about me as he did ten minutes ago, especially when Oprah started talking about kidnappers and the creepy Uncle Diddles. By that point he just looked downright horrified and was noticeably inching away from me like someone just told him I had squirrel AIDS. Nice to know the kid trusted me. What did he even have to fear anyways? We've already done it all and it was consensual every single time.

Besides! I was more than disturbed by the topic myself! It only brought back the oh-so wonderful memories of You-Know-Who and his crafty minions Sorry, Risk, and Candy Land.

It makes me shudder to think of that. That wasn't consensual. Roxas was getting all uptight for nothing! If only he knew of the horrors I went through as a little boy.

But that wasn't the worst of it. Things really started getting complicated right after she talks about how there's this way you can actually find out who the kidnappers are in your neighborhood.

"If you go to familywatchdog dot org you can type in your address and find out who these people are."

Cool right? Yeah, it sounds cool. In fact, it intrigued not only me, but Roxas as well.

It intrigued him so much that he actually gets to his feet, and goes over to the desk, opens the laptop and types in that very website. I just sort of sit there like some brainless crack zombie, minus the drooling, and watch him do everything Oprah instructed. Since I'm over on the couch I can't exactly see what he sees, but I know something's up when I see him sit up straight and go perfectly still.

You know that feeling you get that something's severely wrong right before you actually discover that something horrible has happened? Yeah. That's the feeling I got. I just knew some sort of shit had to have gone down when I hear this pathetic whimper coming from him. Because you know, Roxas usually tries to bottle up his emotions and then suddenly unleash them on whoever's around at the least inconvenient moment. So anything that can make him freely make that sort of noise, I know it's something big.

And it was. Listen to me when I say this. Don't go there. You will never sleep again with the knowledge that you obtained. I'm fucking serious. This is a warning. DON'T. GO. THERE.

What you'll see is not just you know, your house, and a couple of other houses that contain Uncle Diddles and Uncles Diddles' older brothers Uncle Twiddles, and Uncle Fiddles. Ha ha. No. At least not in our case. What we saw, was something so horrific it almost makes me cry just recalling the memories. We lived in fucking Rapeville. We lived in Rapetopia. Population? Over 9000. No seriously. I couldn't even count the dots. They sort of overlapped each other and went on farther than the eye can see! And…for our little town. That's pretty bad.

It wasn't just the dots that scared the shit out of us. No. Those dots were in so many different colors! There was like, red for rapists, and blue for guys like Uncle Diddles…and pink for gay rapists. It was terrifying. But wait. There's even more. You click on a dot and you'd get a little picture, and beneath it, stats. It was like a directory of rapist Pokémon cards. Gotta catch 'em all!

So, I'm standing behind Roxas who's pretty much having a mental breakdown due to fear by now, and I notice something. Many of those dots…were in the same building we were in!

Here's where it gets fucking insane! No sooner than me and Roxas discover our town rapists little hideaway, we hear this voice yelling on the floor above us.

"HE KNOWS!"

Yeah, somehow, hearing that at the exact moment we discovered something as terrifying as the rapists' whereabouts gave me one of those 'oh shit' feelings. And I was fucking right to be scared! Because what we hear after that confirms that the yell wasn't just coincidence.

"THE GUY IN 2B, HE KNOWS! GET HIM AND RAPE HIM!"

Roxas just looks at me, and I look at him, and he says, "Axel. We're in 2B."

Yeah, no shit, Rox. No shit. We were obviously screwed in so many more ways than I cared to think about. And when you hear what sounds like a heard of elephants coming down stairs with the stairwell at the end of that hall, you can't help but panic. We were literally about to be victims to some kind of deranged group of rapists, and pedophiles and clowns that lived in rickety old vans with a glass dildo as their weapon of choice!

You know, I might be classified as a pedophile, with my affection toward a fifteen year old boy…but that seriously doesn't mean I don't love the kid. I care about him. A lot. So much in fact that I wasn't about to let his ass become part of the crazy rapist mob's collection. Mine either for that matter!

And that's why I did what any one of you would have done. I grabbed his hand and hauled ass. If we were in a cartoon, our feet would have done that little spinning thing until they became a blur and then dust would fly. We nearly ran into them as I was coming out of my apartment, and I caught a glimpse of this extremely freakish looking guy with blue hair and this insane scar in shape of an X across his face. I couldn't help but wonder how he got that. Probably doing something similar to what he'd do to us if we were caught.

We made it out into the parking lot and fucking booted it. It's not pleasant to hear a group of rapists yelling out orders to one another to "catch those two at any cost" when you're just starting to feel winded.

Anywhore, we finally managed to outrun them, and have constantly been on the run for about two months now.

Hah. I'd love to see them try and catch me and Roxy now. After all, pedophiles and rapists don't really care about a boring old couple, right?

Who knew one of my best old pals ever was actually a fucking brilliant makeup artist?

So many, many thanks to you, Dem, for literally saving me and Roxy's asses in the end.

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><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>**:** So you got all the way to the end did you? Well good for you. ^^ I'm proud you stuck with it, considering the fact that I went f-bomb happy for a good bunch of this. Sorry 'bout that. :D Also, I was going to warn you to not go to that website...but you know what? I'm not going to bother. Go there. I encourage you. xD Thankfully I've never actually been there myself, and even though I was curious, I discovered Canada isn't included. But that doesn't mean the site isn't real. Oooh it is. **Kuno **went there. It's true. She's been scarred now. So...yeah, go there. xD

Anyways, few other things I want to mention. "Anywhore" is not my word. I first heard it used by **RayWilliamJohnson**. As far as I know, all credit there goes to him. Secondly, watch the video this was inspired by. Seriously, you'll die from laughter. Dane Cook + Kingdom Hearts = hilarious. XD

Alright...I think that's it. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the story and let me know what you thought if you so desire. :)


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